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50 Days Self-Harm Free

NB- This post discusses self-harm which might be triggering for some people. I have included helpline numbers and resource links at the bottom of this page if anyone is struggling. Remember you are not alone in this, despite what you brain is trying to tell you. Also, any tips I have included in this post are purely that, they are tips. Bits of advice from someone with lived experience. If you are struggling with self-harm then please talk to your health care provider, whether that’s you GP or mental health team, they are there to help.


50 days free from self-harm. That is a sentence I could never imagine myself writing, but thanks to amazing support, intervention, new medication, therapy, and people just generally being kind, it’s a sentence I can proudly say today.


I am 50 days free from self-harm.


I never imagined it would be such a hard habit to break. I think because I never viewed it as a habit. In my mind it was a rational coping mechanism that I could use when my brain was giving me a rough time. For all my adult life it has been in my back pocket of ways to deal with difficult situations. So I think I was foolish to believe I was actually in complete control of it after it being a part of my life for so many years.


The problem with any habit like this is that it tricks you. It tricks you into thinking that you have control, even when its clear to everyone around you that you don’t. The constant thoughts of “just one more cut”, “just a bit deeper”, “that wasn’t bad enough to class as self-harm” allow what was once a very sporadic habit to become a compulsive action. For me, it became the sole focus around my “bad brain days”. It was no longer about it being a release after an upsetting event or a stressful situation, it quickly became the reason for the bad days.


Entire days and nights of painfully intrusive thoughts; thinking where I could do it, what I could use, how I could hide it, what treatment it would need… the list goes on. It was all consuming, and if I didn’t give in to the intrusive thought I felt like something terrible would happen, everything would fall apart.

I remember speaking to my care coordinator after a rough weekend that I had avoided self-harm, but I felt so strongly that I hadn’t “ticked that box”. It was like I was incomplete because I hadn’t acted on those urges. She tried to remind me that not all boxes have to be ticked, that’s why you have the choice to tick them or not.


So how on earth did I break that cycle for long enough to reach the 50 day mark? To be honest, there was no one thing that did it for me, more of a mixture of everything. So I thought this would be a good point to mix in with another idea of mine for a post on how to avoid self-harm and challenge the intrusive thoughts.

It’s important to note what helps one person might not be as helpful for someone else, or even for that same person on another date. I know for me so much of it is trial and error depending on what state of mind I am in.


Here are some things I have found useful for me. Often, I have to use elements from most of these ideas and focus differently on each one depending on my own needs that day. Try and check in with yourself if you can, and reflect on what has and hasn’t worked, it will make you all the stronger for dealing with the thoughts next time.


· Remove yourself from the situation. If you feel safe to do so, take yourself out for a walk. Get out of the room that is filled with intrusive thoughts. If you don’t feel able to leave your house, at least move location. When I was in hospital, it would mean something as small as moving from my bed to the chair in my room, and then trying to do something else from there to get out of the thoughts.


· Distract, distract, distract. This can be frustrating when your mind is filled with intrusive thoughts, because by their nature they want you to focus on little else! It can take a lot of self-discipline to force yourself to do something else but try and give it a go. For me, I must really occupy my mind, so often have to do two things at once. This is usually watching TV and doing colouring at the same time, because your mind tends to wander from one to the other, rather than off to other things that you don’t want to be thinking about.


· Substitution. One of the things I struggle with is the compulsion to self-harm, and so when I avoid it I end up feeling very incomplete and uneasy. There are many options for substitutions, some snap a rubber band against their wrist, or hold ice on the area you wanted to hurt. For me, things that cause pain or discomfort only make me more compelled to significantly hurt myself, so my main substitution is drawing on myself. It doesn’t have to be good, but I will spend ages drawing patterns or writing words on the area that I wanted to hurt. This doesn’t always work but sometimes it makes me feel I have given enough energy to that part of my body and so “ticking that box”, without actually having to cause damage.


· Write down pros and cons. There are pros and cons, and deciding not to hurt yourself requires you to make a conscious decision not to do it. Writing down why you want to, and why you don’t will not only help you map out the reasons why you want to change the habit, but also acts as a distraction because it keeps you occupied for a bit. This list can be rewritten over and over again because your intentions will change over time.


· Talk to someone. I know this sounds like a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason. It is great advice, but something I admit I’m not always the best at following. When I pluck up the courage, I swap between calling a friend and talking to the crisis team. Don’t expect someone to say something ground-breaking, but the simple act of talking to someone relieves a bit of the pressure that intrusive thoughts build up. It allows something else to occupy a little bit of space in your mind, and so pushing out some of the intrusiveness. I find after I have spoken to someone, even if only for 5 minutes, I am so so tired. This is because it allows the stress hormones to drop a little bit, and slightly stand down you innate fight or flight response. You may still have those urges after, but the hope is that you are in a slightly better and more rational state of mind to deal with them.


· Just exist. This was one of the best things my care coordinator ever told me. She said all you have to do to keep yourself safe is to exist and not act on the thoughts. Literally do nothing. It can result in nights of feeling so uncomfortable, but the next day you might thank yourself for not acting on the thoughts. Just do nothing. Just exist. Sounds so simple, can feel impossibly hard to implement, but is so extremely effective.


So whether you have read this post because you self-harm, you know someone else who does, or you just want to understand how someone’s brain can make them do something so counter intuitive to a rational mind; I hope I have been able to give a bit of insight into what someone might be experiencing, and how incredibly strong they are to even have just begun to start challenging those thought processes.

Let me tell you, it’s exhausting, but it’s so worth it in the long term.


And it makes me very proud to be able to say: “Today, I am 50 days self-harm free”.


-Lis

Contacts and resources:

· Samaritans: Call 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org (reply within 24 hours)

· NHS 111

· Text “SHOUT” to 85258

· If you're under 19, you can also call 0800 1111 to talk to Childline

· Harmless – email info@harmless.org.uk

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