When I think about what to write about my experiences of a relapse, I want to hide away from it.
Even just thinking of the word in my head fills me with shame. I’m not sure where this shame has come from, because I have such a supportive friendship group, family and care team.
But the constant thoughts of “I’m supposed to be better by now” can become overwhelming at times.
In fact, I think this thought pattern is actually quite a large contributor to my relapses in the past.
So, lets get one thing straight.
Relapse is not a dirty word. Nor is it, in any way, equated to failure.
Relapse does not equal back to square one.
No matter how far you fall, you will never be in the same situation as you were in your last dip.
This is because, no matter how awful a situation, you will have learned something from it. Even if its subconscious, or right down to your brain chemistry, you will have formed those neural pathways before, and your brain has learnt how to survive it (despite your thoughts potentially yelling at you that you can’t ever possibly survive this).
You have done it before, and you can do it again.
The concept of a relapse is something I have really struggled to accept. Back in September I was so unwell, and received input from so many services, from home-based treatment team to inpatient care, that I felt like I used up all of my “illness credits”.
I did my poorly phase, the time for my family and friends to worry about me, and now is my time to be better. And if I’m not completely better, then I am a failure and am ungrateful for any of the support I have received. Right?
Obviously, if someone were to tell me they felt like that about themselves, I would tell them they are a numpty, that there is no such thing as illness credits, there is no such thing as poorly phases and being better, and not always being 100% in no way means you aren't trying hard enough.
Without wanting to sound cheesy, relapses are part of recovery.
Each time your head goes into that dark place, your life is slightly different, you learn new techniques, and you survive once more.
Recently I said to my care coordinator that I can’t keep doing this same pattern over and over again. Its one thing to get over a dip, but to know another one is going to come and knock you off your feet again is exhausting. She reminded me that this latest dip is different to my last, and my one before that was different to the one before that.
I am three quarters of the way through an intense type of therapy. In just 17 sessions I have already developed in more ways than I can describe, the main one being that I am more open in asking for help. That doesn’t take away the darkness, but it does give me an extra tool in climbing my way back out of it again, and maybe preventing me from falling quite as low to start with.
I am starting to learn that even if a relapse happens, it doesn’t take away any of the progress you have made. If anything, it gives you an opportunity to try out the skills you have learnt. Some work, some don’t, but its all trial and error.
Don’t get me wrong, I would love a world where I was “fixed”, “done”, no more mental illness, to be able to say that chapter of my life was over. But that wouldn’t be giving myself credit for the hard work and determination it takes to battle your brain out of a dark spell.
Mental illness isn’t just one bad time and then a steady road back to recovery. Its bumpy. Like, so bumpy you will need a sports bra. And that is what makes you one bad-ass human if you are working on getting better.
So trust yourself. You have survived this before, you will survive this again, and even if the changes are microscopic, you will never be in the same position you were in before.
Relapse is part of recovery.
Let yourself learn, but please, never blame yourself.
It might feel like a step backwards, but sometimes you need someone on the outside to tell you that you have already taken ten steps forwards.
And you can never take back the steps you have already achieved.
Let yourself be proud, you deserve it.
-Lis