Shrinking

Today, I was stopped in my tracks.

I'd charged up an old IPad, scrolled through some pictures, and came across a shot of me in a bikini.

Shocked, I wondered "how did I not know I was ill?!"

When you have an eating disorder, or any mental illness for that matter, your brain lies to you.

At the time this photo was taken, I didn't think I was slim. I wondered why other women who were the same dress size didn't look this fat, I wondered why you could see my collarbones and ribs when I was still so large. It's safe to say that my perception was warped, but I had no idea.

Because my BMI was (just) in the normal range, I was never referred to an eating disorder service. I thought this meant that I was healthy, but the reality was that I was anything but.

I was obsessed with restricting food and spending time exercising. I was dedicated to maintaining the frighteningly low body fat percentage I'd "achieved." No morsel would pass my lips without its calories and nutrients being painstakingly considered and tallied, and my days revolved around planning what I was "allowed" to eat tomorrow. All the while, my size shrunk away and my ability to enjoy life did, too.

I couldn't eat out with friends. I couldn't eat foods I didn't consider "safe." But still, my brain lied to me; I wasn't thin enough, my body fat wasn't low enough, I needed to eat less and run further. Nobody seemed to challenge me, neither professionals nor friends. Maybe they, like me, believed the lie that my lifestyle was healthy.

When I stumbled across this picture today, it struck me what a world away this life feels like. I still struggle with food, with exercise, and don't pretend that I have an easy relationship with food. I can, however, look at this photo and see that I wasn't the healthy figure I thought I was at the time. I can also eat meals with friends, and eat foods without painstakingly tracking every mouthful. I'm not sure if I will ever completely escape the hold food has over me, but I am glad that my life is no longer as small as it was back then.

-Lottie