I had worked in midwifery for ten years when I came to give birth, so was pretty sure that I knew what to expect from this new mum business and that I had pretty realistic expectations. Oh, how wrong I was!
Nothing could have prepared me for the sudden and dramatic decline in my mental health in those early days. Becoming a mum completed me as a person and has given me the most joy I've ever felt, but it has also seen the darkest and most frightening moments of my life.
The anxieties around keeping my fragile little human alive and safe exploded and became all-consuming for me, almost the instant we left the hospital to go home. I remember spending the entire drive sobbing in the back seat next to my baby, but not knowing why. I was angry at myself; I had waited years for this, had been through infertility and IVF and finally had the baby I'd pained for, so surely I shouldn't be like this? I was frightened to put her down, sure that something terrible would happen to her if I wasn't clutching on at all times. It felt too good to be true that I finally had my baby and I was convinced that she would die.
Within days, these worries became illustrated with the most distressing images. When taking my baby to have her nappy changed, I'd see her falling off the table and her head breaking onto the floor, as clear as day. When carrying her down the stairs, my mind would show me the sickening way we would tumble down together for my poor baby to splatter across the hall. These horrendous thoughts tormented me near constantly, and would leave me sobbing and hysterical - I didn't know how to keep my baby safe.
I was incredibly lucky to live in an area with a specialist Perinatal Infant Mental Health (PIMH) team. Due to having an existing Bipolar Disorder diagnosis, I had met a named nurse in my pregnancy and she visited me in the first days since I gave birth. What a lifeline she was. I broke down to her about being tortured by these images, about just wanting to keep my baby safe and not knowing how to when I see them. My nurse taught me that these were called "intrusive thoughts" - unwanted mental images that pop up without warning that can leave you stressed and upset. They can be violent and disturbing, and certainly were in my case.
I learned that although intrusive thoughts aren't an expected part of becoming a new mum, they are common. The shame and guilt we usually feel from having these thoughts prevents us from talking about them to other mums, or to our friends and family. We fear that they will judge us, or think that we aren't doing a good job at parenting our babies. So because of this, we don't realise that other parents have felt this way before and we don't realise that it's OK - we can defeat these intrusive thoughts. We don't choose to have them, it's not our fault, and it is certainly nothing to be ashamed about.
My PIMH nurse worked closely and intensively with me in those early days to combat the distressing thoughts I was having, and a book she convinced me to buy really helped me overcome the worry that there was something "wrong" with me, and that other people can't possibly understand. It's called "Good moms have scary thoughts" (by Karen Kleinman) and I'd recommend it to any new parent, whether you have a diagnosed mental illness or not. The book showed the real intrusive thoughts of other mums, their anxieties and the thoughts that they were ashamed of. It helped me realise that people struggle every day with these tormenting thoughts, not just me, and I wasn't alone.
So if, like me, becoming a mum hit you like a bus - you're not the only one. More of us understand than you realise. If you don't have a PIMH nurse, tell your mum, tell your friend, tell your partner. You aren't broken and you don't have to feel this way. There are people to help you combat your intrusive thoughts, and I promise: you're doing a good job.
- Lottie